The Dark Warrior

In my life, I'm not particularly afraid of fighting anyone.  Anxious, nervous, even worried, but fear isn't exactly the emotion I feel.  In the end, I want to fight them, even if I know I'll lose.  Sometimes I prefer to fight those that I'll lose to.

There is, however, one person I do fear to cross with; that is me.

Not my actual self, but a deeper, darker me that I have to explain in the only way I can: with metaphors.

In the Legend of Zelda, Link fights Dark Link, a representation of everything that makes him unworthy of being the hero.  For those of you who don't obsess over video games, Dark Link is literally your character, but shaded black.  All the same power ups, all the same hearts, everything.  Dark Link also has the same style, but one exception: he can counter every straight attack you make at him.  To beat him, you have to fight in odd patterns, and generally find the weakspot in your own play style to even hit him.

This is how I see my depression, as this Dark Link inside me.

It's something that's incredibly difficult to fight, for a few painful reasons.  Firstly, it knows every one of my tricks.  It knows all of my mental blocks, my uplifting habits, my ways of fighting through depression.  It knows them all.  It also knows my weaknesses.  Every chink in my armor, every spot where it hurts, it knows exactly how to hit me there.

It knows what to do, and when the perfect time to do it is.  Unfortunately, I don't know it as well as it knows me.  It knows my subconscious, while I can only guess at its'.

Worst of all, it has no need to hold anything back.  Nothing is too far for it, nothing is too wrong.  It will do anything to win.  It wants me alone and it wants me defeated.  It has all the time in the world to do both.  It holds every card, it has every advantage.

I cannot grow stronger, since it grows with me.  Should I learn a new method, it learns it as well, and it learns to break it.  There is no defeating it.  I will spend the rest of my life in perpetual conflict with it, and I can never defeat it.  I can't kill it, I can't be rid of it.  I'll hold it until I die.

... but that's the thing, I don't have to carry it, I don't have to drag it along with me.  It comes willingly.  When all is said and done, my darkness will still be willing to stand beside me, and tell me I'm a failure.  It will never give up.

In that, it can be my greatest ally.

Through it, I will constantly learn my weaknesses, and to better guard them.  I will learn it's secrets as well, it's methods, how it got to me, and be stronger for it. It may be willing to go further than me, but I'm willing to challenge it every time.  It cannot be stronger than me, it can only be as strong as it's possible for me to be.  It's the constant challenge of my life, the ever lasting wind in my face.

Our greatest fight, is the one with those near us.  I have the advantage of outside allies, I can find help.  I can have someone stand behind me and push, it cannot.  All it can do is try and get them to abandon me, and it knows just how to do that.  A counter for every counter, it can be unstoppable.

So, I make it work for me, I focus it's efforts into books, into stories, into my desire to conquer.   One day, I will stand atop the mountain, with the world at my feet, and that damnedable Dark Me will be standing next to me.  Which is good...

... because I'll want him there so I can say "I told you so" to his face.