The Absence of Hate

I started to learn to fight at age six.  Whether it was my brother's enlistment in the Army, or him being an instructor at that age that made me want to do it, I'm not sure.  Could have been watching all those sword fighting movies.

To this day, the fact that I'm usually quiet, long haired, and have an affinity for swords and long coats has nothing to do with watching "Vampire Hunter D" at that age.  Nothing at all.

But, it was at that age that I wanted to learn to swordfight.  I played with my brother a bit, and took karate (I played with the swords when no one was looking, and tried to knife the punching bag, but that's another story), all while believing in the dream of being fantastic.

For a while I was good, I felt good, I moved good.  I won most fights in the schoolyard, as one will do when one is trained and fighting against untrained children.  It was a good time, but I never felt... whole.  I never felt as if I was Me.  I did the techniques, I could recite all the moves, and I was sparring three ranks above my belt.  Unfortunately karate bored me, it wasn't Me.

I drifted away, really focused on weapons for a long while, and I got good.  At sixteen, I was beating men who's career was swordfighting.  I went to work at a Renn faire, and did not lose a single sword fight (which, if you know the people who do that for fun, is impressive), blades I understood.  Still, I didn't feel it.

One day, soon after turning 18, my brother brought me to his Wing Chun class, and damn, did that feel good.  For the longest while, I did not feel as though my knowledge worked for me, it's hard to believe in martial arts, when every movement feels unnatural.  Here, however, things worked.  For the first time I did not feel as though I was going through motions, but truly understanding the art.  I despise forms, but it worked.  I excelled in other areas, I felt better about it than any other fighting style I had done.  In a world of experimentation, this worked.

Still though, empty inside.

Then, a few years later, after college had interrupted my training, I traveled back and met a man who taught Tai Chi.  He taught the long form, and I was bored on a Saturday, and I had $20 to spend... so I went to a class.

As I explained in the last entry, it was not a concept that eluded me.

This felt good, better than good.  This filled that emptiness like nothing else.  The handwork, the footwork, the bladework, the mentality.  Everything synced in a way that nothing else has since.  Those who've worked with me know that I can't even explain it properly, this just flows from me like water through a stream.  For the first time in ages, I had to be careful when sparring, because I put people through things like walls.  I uprooted people who boast "ummovable" as a reputation.  I excelled in a way that felt so natural, I still feel nostalgic about it.

Then, overnight, it was taken away.

The man who ran the school changed his program; instead of Tai chi for an hour or two, it was stretching for twenty minutes, followed by forty of tai chi, then Iato, then "guided meditation".  In order to be a part of the other classes, I had to buy the full hamaka, sword (his prefered model, not the one I owned), and pay $100 for the class, instead of $20.  If I paid by "direct deposit" it went down to $80.  My time when from two hours, to barely forty minutes, and I had to pay five time as much.

I was in luck, because he told me that I could pay the original $20 instead, and just stay for the Tai chi.  So I did that, and for a month it worked well.  He was not the sort who enjoyed the idea of "other" martial arts.  All others were lesser and weaker than his Ninjutsu, even this Tai chi was a "lesser style", but he taught it so I stayed (and other schools were still expensive, and were... umm... bad.  Tai chi should not look like the "robot").

After a month and a half, I was informed by him that I was suddenly behind in "payments", because "he had offered to let me pay a discounted rate, but for each class rather than each month."  For those playing the home game; 20X4= 80.  It was not a discount, but "a payment plan where I could pay at the end of each month, instead of each week".  Also known as "paying the same as I told you that you wouldn't."

After I left the school, he followed me for a bit, and tried to raise a commotion about it where he could, usually in very personal ways.  Remember, this was a man who basically lied to a student to get more money out of them, deciding that personally insulting someone was the way to go.  I was suddenly aware of why he was always complaining of "losing students" in his ninjutsu program.

After all this, I still can't bring myself to hate the man.  Despite all the insults, the way he made an effort to embarass me before the entire class because "I couldn't afford $80 a month?", still don't hate him.  I just let him go about his merry way, and wonder if his schools even still in business (I don't check), and it's not out of spite. For all this mans' childish and greedy behavior, I remember that he gave me something that to this day I love.  He gave me something that fit me better than anything else, and as long as I have that, I can't hate where it came from.

Remember this next time you feel the need to hate someone, because hate is that little thing in your life that is what happens when you have an absence of love for something.  The absence of hate is not love, but educational apathy.  I will never fully forget him, or the problems he caused, because I still study Tai chi.  As long as I do, I will remember that he taught me first, and he did all those things.  I learned valuable lessons about life because of what he did, and while I do not like him.

Can't bring myself to hate a man who gave me something like this.