CONDOMS THAT SELL YOUR PENIS TO SATAN!

So, as one can ascertain from the title; this blog will be about bad horror movies.

If I just used the first letters of each word in their titles, the amount of bad horror movies made in my lifetime would literally break the word limit.

So, why am I talking about bad horror movies?  Because I feel like it, but mostly because it's something strange that we all seem to constantly forget about.  And here comes the meanings...

Action movies are an accurate representation of dominant fantasy, where we act out our biggest and bestest fantastical feelings on a big shiny screen.  What's the best fantasy?  Well, let's see:  Pacific Rim.  A fantasy where we are awesomely badass ninja fighters who get into even more awesomely badass giant robots and punch epicly awesomely badass giant robots in the face while partnered up with a super hot and super capable badass ninja girl of epic proportions who has like, a whole awesome story behind her and is interesting to talk to and we just eat food and talk about giant robots and punch giant monsters and...


Yeah, this sounds like the greatest male fantasy of all time, and that's fine.  It's empowering to have a fantasy of being in such control of fate that the world literally rests on your actions.  Also, Hell yes for having an amazing partner.  But we've always known this, that Action was fantasy. 

Side Note: It's fantasy for women too, Bond is hotter than the Sun, X-Men started Hugh Jackman's abs, The Expendables: a movie literally about old action heroes coming back... stars Jason Statham in tight clothing.  Conan the Barbarian: Played by massively muscular half naked men (Mamoa's ass got more screentime than half the supporting cast). 

This is also, perfectly fine.

Horror movies on the other hand, they point out things we're afraid of.  Here we explore the things that scare people to the core, the tiny fears that dominate a person's life.  All the way back to the early days of mankind, humans told two sorts of stories: Horror and Action.  One to inspire, the other to warn.  Carl Jung explained that these are archtypes, universal to more than one culture.

Then come the parts that are mass produced and easy, the ones that are shots in the dark at an audience.  These ones are the subject of this Blog.  Yeah, I know, halfway in and we start, just go with it.

Low budget horror is a staple of film, since it's easy to make and easy to purchase a story for.  Since they are mass produced, they're a great way to look at a culture as a time piece.  They show the fears that are prevelent in society at that time.  While each era has it's own certain flair, substituted for the villain of the week (communism, drugs, gangs, devil worship), it usually boils down to the main fears that never leave society.

Teenagers are Fucking Stupid:  there are precious few horror movies in which the victims are not teenagers who bring it on themselves in some way.  We constantly see teenagers doing things that are insane even to children, but hey, "wacky teens" right?  In reality, teens manage to not die more than they die, because the population is expanding. 

Technology is EEEVVILLL!: We get this alot, there are two sorts of approaches to tech/science in film: it's either the greatest evil mankind has ever created and it will destroy the world.  Or it's just something neat and cool we all like and not the point of the story.  Guess which one is horror?  Yeah...

Other People: We love other people in horror films. Whether they're "strangers" or from other countries, or from another culture (southerners, northerners, gangsters, business people), we believe these people are all psycho murderers looking to destroy everything we hold dear.  Unlike action, in horror, they win, because it's not a warning unless other people die.  In our fantasy, we win, we kill them with massive things of awesome.

So, when you look through the low budget horror, you see all sorts of clues as to a generation.  Like how it's filled with "demon babies", "evil mothers", "evil girlfriends", "evil old people", "evil doctors" and of course "Evil hillbillies".  Evil toys and children are sort of out of style now, and have become more focused on a sort of "glam horror" where it's almost intentionally bad horror.

Aside from all horror writer suddenly being basically manchildren afraid of leaving Never-Neverland, there's an awful lot of these "found footage/ real story" movies, which, I'm sorry, they're not horror.  These are rarely "scary" and more often than not rely on "OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?!!" scare tactics.  These are haunted houses, but in your tv.

So yeah, I'm waiting for the horror bro-pocalypse inwhich all movies are things that frighten bros.  Demonic Weight benches, protein supplements that make you "not like, gay, but you won't like chicks anymore", protein supplements that make you gay, shades that make everyone not like your hair, creatures that feed off of muscles, and of course; Milfs that seduce young men so that they can steal their things and cut their balls off to make hot girls into evil witches because... like... witchcraft bro...


... and haunted beer.