Loss and Gain...

So, with thing settling down, and spring finally here, I've been moving back into my training, and I've noticed some weird things.

Chief among them: training kids makes you soft.

Not in a physical sense, but in a mental sense.  You start to worry about every attack you make.  Children are fragile creatures, and you start doing things like:

Helping people fall gently.
Not using bodyweight to imoblize people.
Not using powerful techniques to break holds.
... giving advice in the middle of a match.

It's hard to make the adjustment back into "fight" mode, especially in friendly bouts.  You let shots go by, you hold back, you wait for moments to establish dominance and teach a lesson, instead of giving the fight you're supposed to.  It's sort of... saddening.

Once you were a monster, people feared when you moved... now you're more the kitten.

In all truth, however, it really only makes you scarier, if you can find and use it. But to start this example off, here are some things I've "lost":

Movement: I used to leap and jump more, while I still can, I just... don't.
Force: I don't hit as hard as I used to, whether intentionally or not, I just don't.
Violent Instinct: I don't press pain as much, I tend to back off quickly the moment someone is in trouble.
Rage: This is the one I miss the most... I used to have a hell of a Rage when I needed.  Be it strength, needed adrenaline, the will to force in an attack through, or just the pure explosiveness that used to describe how I fought.

But, since there is rarely ever loss without gain, I have sort of manifested new things, and I like it:

Grace: I traded my fast, running and jumping, for a creepy sort of grace that even shocks me sometimes.  I move effortlessly out of the way of big things, I can roll with a blow like water, and I move through things, rather than over them.
Intention: I tend to throw less attacks, but they hit more.  I don't jab, I don't fake-out, I just move in and take what's mine.
Clarity: this is entirely the kids; I burn slower now.  Fights are easier to read, and though my reactions have been gentle, they've been effective.
Determination: I tend to care less now about resistance.  Not in a way to move through it, I just don't get riled up about it.  "Hole in my face?  Huh... oh right, that happened."  While I was always calm, it's drivable now.  But it does lack the ability to spike when I need it.

Things still in Limbo:
"The need to bring someone down": I used to want to stand above someone, to crush them into little bits.  When it didn't happen the way I wanted... that's what Rage was for.

Strength: I'm not sure if I am (fight wise) as physically strong as I used to be.  I'm stronger, yes, but I've yet to really feel it in a fight.

Rage: While I've gained calm and direction, I still feel the rage-y goodness inside of me, just looking for the exit.  It wants out, sure, but I sort of wonder if my days of "shit gets real mode" are over.

To clarify the Rage for those who've never fought me: I used to fight normal and happy, and then, when pressed to where I couldn't function... I exploded.  Lifted and threw a 250lbs man who had me flat pinned, backflipped over a kid and threw him in an armbar on the way, and some other things that just could only be done when I threw down the meta-physical gauntlet of "Fuck this noise". 

I miss that.