New Year: Same Resolution.

What was your resolution this year? Mine's the same it was last year. I don't resolve to lose a few pounds, or hit the gym more, or to smile more, spent less on clothing, finally quit that habit I've had for a while.

No, mine's harder. Every year, I renew my resolution of "Being a Better Man." Not person, but Man. Everything I do, next time I do it; I do it better than before.

I did twenty push-ups yesterday, I'll do twenty today, but I'll do them with a cleaner form, with less strain on my arms and more full body. In a word; better.

It's not day to day, it's moment to moment. I strive to learn from every success and failure, and be better for it. If you saw me a few days ago, I'm a better man today than I was then.

Spelling, grammar, typing, and vocabulary: Better.

Style, form, practical application: Better.

Dishes, cleaning, remembering things: Better.

For every moment of this entire year, I have to be better than I was the last. It means that everything I do, I do at my best, so the next time I'm better than that. I fight, I live, I love, I write and see the world, better than the last moment I was in it.

Do I fail at this? Sometimes, yes. I consider each and every day that I -don't- publish or write the worlds' greatest novel a failure to do so. I will continue to fail at this until I succeed, because I can fail 10,000 times for each success, and still consider myself a success. Because a man is only a failure when he gives up. I refuse to give up. Because I choose not to.

To speak of choice, while I'm here, I also speak of active choices in day to day life. Prime example:

My brother can't figure out my relationship with my family, despite being a part of it. He has stated numerous times that I, do in fact, romanticize my life with them. That I don't remember the bad things, or that I wasn't there for some of them. He's wrong; here's why:

I was there for numerous bad times, which won't be put here because I don't care to. Not out of some mental block, but because I just don't care about them anymore. Yes we were poor, yes dad was sometimes too strict, yes mom drank. Yes, I have emotional scarring from all that, but I've also got a scar from when my own cat scratched me, that shows brighter than any sword related wound I've acquired, and I fucking loved that cat.

My mother, was a drunk for the last years of my teens. Crazy drunk, the kind that caused enormous problems with the entire family. I can easily put this for the world to see, because the world saw her then, as it sees her now; a functioning alcoholic, who hasn't had a drink in years.

Bam.

Was it hard to be there during that time? Being the only person besides my father in that house for most of it? Yes, very much yes. Do I hold it against her? Not at all. I completely forgive her for it.

Why? Because I feel like forgiving her for it, and I don't need a grander reason. I felt like saying "yes, it sucked, but it sucks significantly less now, so fuck it, I forgive you." Cost me nothing when I decided to, costs me nothing now, and I now play Xbox with my mom, and slaughter bandits. I couldn't do that if I held things against her.

You don't forgive because it's the right thing to do, you don't because Jesus says so, or because someone did something to make it up to you. You do it just because. If someone had to do something to make you forgive them, it's not real. My mom didn't do anything to beg my forgiveness... she asked, but I had already done so.

I forgive, because I can. Not everyone can pull that off, but I know I can forgive people, while still being mad at them, so I do. I feel better for it, they feel better for it, and the world gets one less problem in it.

I live up to my resolution with that, because things are better every time.